W.C. Fields
Quotes about children, woman, alcohol and other…
- Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
- Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
- I like children - fried.
- A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
- All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
- Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
- Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
- Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
- Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
- I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
- Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
- Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
- Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
- There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
- I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
- Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
- The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
- When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
- Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
- Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
- Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
- Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
- You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
- It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
- Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
- Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
