Some genuine translations from around the world …

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
Hotel notice, Tokyo
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Tokyo bar
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Bangkok temple
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand
Please do not bring solicitors into your room
Hotel brochure,Italy
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig lift
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
Hotel elevator, Belgrade
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
Hotel lift, Paris
Please leave your values at the front desk.
Hotel, Athens
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.
Hotel, Yugoslavia
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
Hotel, Japan
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Sign in Japanese public bath
Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.
Sign in men's toilet in Japan
To stop leak turn cock to the right.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
Taken from a menu, Poland
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Supermarket, Hong Kong
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok
Drop your trousers here for the best results.
Outside a dress shop, Paris
Dresses for street walking.
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong
Ladies have fits upstairs.
Tailor shop, Rhodes
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In an East African newspaper
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
Hotel, Vienna
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
Hotel, Zurich
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
From a Russian book on Chess
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
A laundry in Rome
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
Advert for donkey rides, Thailand
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In the window on a Swedish furrier
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
Stop. Drive sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn
Special today - No ice-cream.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Cocktail lounge, Norway
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Doctor's office, Rome
Specialist in women and other diseases.
Hotel, Acapulco
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan
Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.